Seoul, August 19th, 2022.
After a long inner debate over what I should've done, here I am... pursuing my MSc/Ph.D. integrated program.
It should be a relief that I'm still breathing and surviving until now. Been thinking of ending it for God knows how long but never got the balls to even try or research which way is the best. What a cow :p
I think that's what I've always been, a cow. Anyone can be a horse, bull, calf, but I'm a cow,, sometimes chicken too. I wonder why my "self" is so brazen like this. Relaxed-ly living my life with no intention to achieve higher, always want to be in the safe zone, and even more feel like I'm entitled to it. But it is true, right? This is my life and I have full authority over what I want to decide upon in my life.
But I just realized, that walking without direction can sometimes be boring and tiring too. Imagine when you follow the instruction on a workout video but they didn't tell you how long should you do it. You won't know when can you stop your movement, instead you will need to keep on moving, squeezing every sweat you got, moving blindly until the next movement instruction comes out. But if you know how long you should do it, at least you can be left assured that it won't take forever. There's a stop.
Yes, there's a stop.
There's a stop in all this crap and I'm gonna throw all in to reach that phase.
Whatever awaits me there, I'll go there. For sure. No retreating. No self-doubting.
You worked your ass up to here. Why bother giving it up?
Or thinking of those countless other possibilities.
When you do something, finish it. That's what we've always agreed upon. Besides, finishing some tasks you planned to do gives you some sense of achievement. It has been said and proved to increase confidence significantly.
Maybe my whole new level of confidence awaits me on that stop.
I'm intrigued.
What kind of me will wait for me there?
For now, for the very least, let's just slowly paced ourselves in this pavement leading there.
-still searching,
Me
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